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crossroads
November 2009 
change
synonym for light
the only constant is change --- who said that? I never can remember who said what and I usually mess up the quote, though I usually manage to keep the basic meaning of it intact.
I have been planning, cleaning, sorting through old boxes of photos and journals for the past couple of weeks.
today it is 5 days until I wed my sweetheart. we have been living together for more than 3 years, so it shouldn't be too terribly different, just more of the same, a re-confirmation of the commitment we have already given each other.
4 days after our wedding will be my last day of work at Emergency Communications / 9-1-1 in Aspen, Colorado where I have spent 40+ hours per week for the past 9 years of my life.
the day after that I will leave my home, new husband, son, dogs, cat, fish, tomato plants, friends, extended family and my beloved mountains to go to Los Angeles for 9 weeks of Bikram Yoga Teacher Training.
today I am taking lots of deep breaths and trying to appreciate the wonderful place that I live and work and the wonderful people who have been a part of my daily life for all this time. I have been blessed with such a rich life surrounded by such gorgeous, giving, good people and such breathtaking scenery that I am at this moment thinking that I must be crazy to have made the decision to instigate such drastic change.
granted, I'll be back here. I'll still be able to see these mountains and these people, but I will be caring for them in a different capacity. No more adrenaline rush when the 911 lines all light up at the same time. No more ten hour days surrounded by computers, phones, radios and all manner of bells, buzzers and beeps. No more graveyard shifts feeling like I'm one of the very few alert and oriented individuals in the entire county. The camaraderie will be missing -- and yet........
yes, when I come home and begin teaching Bikram yoga - there will be opportunities for new camaraderie, new good daily routines, new gorgeous, giving, good people, new ways to help and be, new challenges, new.....
I am at a crossroads and part of me just wants to stop, sit down in the middle of the intersection and stay put. another part wants to charge ahead full speed and forget about the damn stop sign, forget about looking both directions. another part wants to turn around and amble slowly through the dust and haze and mist of memory lane, maybe to wander there wistfully forever.
What I will do though is put one foot in front of the other, walk deliberately forward, breathe deeply and smile at those I encounter on the way.
It'll be OK. I just keep telling myself that I will have all the resources I will need to meet these new challenges with ease, elegance and joy.
Anyone who wants to comment with their favorite things about L.A. or Bikram -- I'd love to hear it -- but no cautionary tales please - I've heard enough of those already.
:-)
Access: Public
Also what changes when change changes ?
“granted, I’ll be back here. I’ll still be able to see these mountains
and these people, but I will be caring for them in a different
capacity. No more adrenaline rush when the 911 lines all light up at
the same time. No more ten hour days surrounded by computers, phones,
radios and all manner of bells, buzzers and beeps. No more graveyard
shifts feeling like I’m one of the very few alert and oriented
individuals in the entire county. The camaraderie will be missing –
and yet……..”
well, that didn’t last long. i came straight home and went straight back to work at 911 – I must be an adrenaline junky — or maybe I’m just “called” to that work. I still love it in many ways.
and I’m going to teach yoga more this year – 2009. i can and will do both. why not?!?
Dawn, thanks for linking here in your latest post. It was trippy to read this after reading your blog for the past however many months – a year already? – and reading about your job at 911 and your resolution to do yoga 3 days a week. I was so confused reading the post until I got down to your comment. Some people are born with a calling – doctors, lawyers, social workers. Lots of us spend a lifetime trying to figure out what we’re “meant for”. Being one of the latter, and having made myself crazy trying to figure out “my purpose” I’ve come to think that maybe some of us don’t have just one purpose, or even any specific purpose at all. Perhpas the trick is just to be present in each moment to be aware of what’s necessary in that moment, how we can be useful in that moment. I don’t know. I’m philosophizing, as my mother would say, and full of cold medicine to boot so it’s not even a coherent ramble. Just wanted to say thanks for redirecting me to this blog.
Man, I am like the last cat on the planet to give anyone a cautionary tale; I’m the fella that says, “Go ahead, jump in with both feet! Breakaleg!”
Although, sometimes, like right now, in my own mopey funk, I am unable to step into the unknown on my own, even though I believe it will be positive and that the Universe will support me. I’ve paid my dues. Encouragement, cheer-leading, and unflagging support are more my style.
Also, I ain’t never rightly seen the value of “cautionary tales,” even when MY Kids were involved. First, people almost never listen. Second, how could I possibly know better than someone else? And finally, people changing and taking risks need love and support, not doubt and advice.
This sort of love and support is exactly like you and Siona and the other ladies supporting me the other day.
Voila, BIG Epiphany!! Loving support is what I need now. Is it okay to ask everyone I know for love and support right now? And IF it is not okay, what the fuck do I care, cause I’m gonna ask ‘em all anyway.
Why, thank you, LightGrrrl, for getting me to this point, or at least helping.
lil – “Perhpas the trick is just to be present in each moment to be aware of
what’s necessary in that moment, how we can be useful in that moment.”
YES!! that’s just what I think. and I’m an unapologetic philosophizer. :-)
mage - “Is it okay to ask everyone I know for love and support right now? And
IF it is not okay, what the fuck do I care, cause I’m gonna ask ‘em all
anyway.”
YES!! it’s absolutely OK and YES!! ask ‘em all anyway!!
I once had a man in my life who said I asked too much of people. He said when I asked things of people it wasn’t polite. it put them on the spot, etc. he was one who didn’t know how to say no. he said yes to everything everyone asked of him and resented it. he’s not much in my life anymore. but I think he’s learned how to ask now and to say no now too. he’s almost all grown up. lol.
thanks for visiting you towo. I’m touched that you took the time to follow the link. :-)