last week I was in a good deal of eye pain because of loosening sutures.  I had a corneal transplant in april of 2007 (long story with a lovely silver lining).  the sutures that they put the new (to me) cornea on with loosen slowly over time.  as each one loosens up enough it breaks and irritates the eyelid and sometimes the epithelium of the eye.  then you go to the doc and they remove the suture.  I had one removed a couple of weeks ago.  a local doctor consulted with my main surgeon who is based 200 miles away in denver.  but another one needed to be removed and it was really bothering me, so the surgeon asked me to come to denver yesterday.  adam was working the graveyard shift and couldn't get out of work so I had to drive myself down this time.  luckily I was able to wear both of my contacts for the drive down, but after removal of the suture I couldn't put the contact back in my right eye right away and my eyeball was aching and I got a headache.  so, even though I wanted to drive back home, adam insisted that I stay in denver overnight and I deferred to his good judgement (for once).  he went on priceline and got me a super duper deal on a room in a very upscale hotel downtown.  I went straight there and checked in and put my pajamas on and climbed into bed -- at 5:30 pm.   I didn't want to go out because I felt pretty cruddy, so I ordered room service and watched an in room movie.   I was asleep by 9pm and awakend with the morning light coming through the east facing windows on the 19th floor.  check out time wasn't until noon, so I luxuriated in the quiet, warm room this morning.  I took a bath and did yoga and meditated and read a little.  then I was ready to put my contacts in and drive home.  the road was closed because of a semi rollover at one point.  there was an alternative route, but the going was slow.  when I got back to the valley and stopped to buy dog food even though I wanted to go straight home, I saw a beautiful sunset over the mountain, from the parking lot of the pet store.  all in all, a good couple of days and now I shouldn't have to go back to the big city for another few months. 

these photos are what I saw from the hotel window this morning and then the sunset from a parking lot in glenwood springs. 

looking very, very, very closely.  something beautiful.  in the eyes of this beholder anyway. 

anything can be a prayer.  every breath, every step, every look, every caress can be a prayer. 

every keystroke can be a prayer.  every smile, every phone call, every flicker of a candle can be a prayer.

each note in a song can be a prayer. 

today I learned these words in spanish, again.

tocar = to touch, to affect, to play, to handle
librar = to save, to free, to fight

I think those words, those actions can all be a prayer. 

I've been writing with my left hand, over and over again, "becoming ambidexterous".  it's a prayer of a kind. 

I yelled at adam tonight, because he asked for the wrong days off and now it's likely that we'll have 2 more months of being on opposite schedules.  I had a complete tantrum.  the apologies and tears were a kind of prayer, asking forgiveness. 

washing the dishes can be a prayer, if done just so, with mindfulness, with an attitude of service and gratitude and receptivity. 

listening can be a prayer, listening deeply.  looking deeply. 

I pray that one day I might write a beautiful poem in spanish using those words, to play, to free, tocar, librar.  and mientras.  y sobre.  y sola.  y pareja.  y amiga / amigo.  I'll write it with my left hand, and the letters will each be a prayer of love for language and people. 

if someone offers to pray for me, I'll say thank you.  why not?  we can all use all the help we can get.  :-) 

we saw this Finnish maiden in the mountiains the other day.  she likes to go to the village to dance with the maidens when her husband is away fishing.  she took my breath away.  she reminded me that the rocks, the trees, the air, the streams, the very mountains have spirits.  we saw them everywhere that day when Farland was reminding me how to ski.

it's the lullaby I needed to hear tonight......  it's bitterly cold outside and the ground is everything is covered in silky snow. 



and I want to dream of peace on earth tonight. 

see here.....

http://diamondlil.gaia.com/blog/2008/12/the_invention_of_hugo_cabret

thank you lil!!!! 

I have such a silly smile on my face.  I can't wait to read it again! 

New Year, New Day, New Dawn, New Life for Me......  Yeah. 

Life as work of art. 

first -- turn any and every complaint into gratitude.  look for the silver lining in every single situation.  say thank you.  and then say it again.  and again.  and again.  and again. 

say I love you.  often.  let it float on the air.   feel it, even when you don't say it out loud.  and then go ahead and say it out loud. 

let yourself laugh.  let yourself be light.  let yourself smile.  be pleased about your smile. 

have discipline.  be the kind of girl who is disciplined enough to achieve my goals.  when there is a challenge, when something is hard, do it anyway and ease into letting it be easy. 

example: 
complaint-- "Oh, (whine) I have to go to work today.  I don't want to go to work today."
turn it into--  "I am so thankful that I have a job to go to that pays me well and that I enjoy most of the time." 

just those thoughts, even unspoken, can change the way the beginning of my day feels.  :-) 

example:
complaint-- "my muscles are sore from exercising three days in a row and I have lost so much strength and flexibility in the past couple of months."
turn it into-- "I am so tickled that I have enough money to be able to have a monthly unlimited membership to the yoga studio nearest my home.  I am so thankful that it is never too late to start rebuilding strength and flexibility."  "I am so thankful that I can find a place in my home where I can practice backbends, handstands and other yoga postures to open up my hips and heart."

Goal -- I will be able to do a rock solid, fully kicked out standing bow posture by Valentine's Day 2009.  even with my eyes closed.

Goal -- I will weigh 137 lbs or less by Valentine's Day 2009.  I will maintain that weight for the rest of my life.  I will eat healthy, small portions. 

Goal -- I will be able to see by own toes in floor Bow pose by Valentine's Day 2009. 

i want to be healthy, wealthy, wise and happy.  and I want to share that with my family, friends and the whole world. 

Goal -- I will speak, hear, read & write Spanish well enough to be a certified translator by the end of 2009.  In 2010 I will work on another language. 

Goal -- I would like to have a Canon 5D Mark II camera and 2 nice lenses before Farland and I embark on our trip to NYC this year. 

Goal -- I will send Jordan the word of the day email everyday, and I will use the word of the day in a sentence. 

Goal -- I would like to start selling my photographs at a stock photography site.  By July 2009.

I would like for our home to be an incredibly green, wonderfully welcoming sanctuary. 

Intention -- I will spend my savasana of every yoga class saying a prayer for my mom to be healthy, wealthy and wise and HAPPY.  and I will extend that prayer to everyone on the planet.  starting with those nearest and dearest to me first. 

Goal -- I will lower my overall and bad cholesterol by eating oatmeal, walnuts, flaxseeds, cinnamon everyday.  I will help my digestive system by doing Bikram yoga a minimum of 3 days per week and eating plenty of fiber including black beans.  I will eat yogurt (for calcium) and acidophillus (for digestive tract health) everyday too. 

Wish -- I would like to do some cross country skiing this year. 

Wish -- I would like to find time to walk my dogs, with my husband, every single day this year.  Even if only once around the pond. 

Goal -- Get all my taxes done before the end of January 2009. 

Goal -- Get at least 3 months living expense into savings and then never ever take it out of savings or use it for anything except emergencies.  Travel, school and other things will have to be saved over and above that goal.  (Perhaps have different accounts for these things.)

Say yes to teaching yoga and do your best at it.  Go to as many yoga meetings as you can, but don't feel bad if you can't make it to one.  Be your best.  Share your strengths with your students and learn from them too.  Giving to the yoga community by teaching will help your own practice.  Yoga is a community.  Let it be an expansive one.  No one else can walk your life path.  It is uniquely yours.  Don't try to walk someone else's path either.  Cherish the path you are walking.  In interstellar time, it is but a moment and no other life will be exactly like it. 

On Valentine's Day 2009 i will ask Adam to take my picture while doing a perfect Standing Bow pose and wearing the top hat my brother gave me. 

complaint:  Adam is jealous and whiny about me having too much fun or interacting with other men or other people too much, or reading too much, or blogging too much, or doing yoga too much. 
turn it into:  isn't it wonderful to have a husband who wants to spend time with me?
and next time he complains.  give him my undivided attention until he cries uncle.  :-) 

Weekly time management:

there are 168 hours in a week.

working at APCCC uses up approximately 40 of them.  when I am at work I will work, work and work.  it will be a joy to do the best work possible.
168 - 40 = 128

commuting uses a little less than 8 hours a week.  if I take the bus I can read, listen to people speaking spanish, listen to coffee break spanish lessons, meditate or just relax during those hours.  sometimes I have great conversations with interesting people on the bus too. 
128 - 8 = 120

if I sleep 7 hours a night that would add up to 49 hours per week.  sometimes I like to sleep a little longer because I am having interesting dreams, but when I am doing yoga regularly I tend to sleep less because I am less tired. 
120 - 49 = 71

yoga -- I am making a commitment right now to do a minimum of 3 Bikram yoga classes a week.  from leaving home til returning home most Bikram yoga classes take about 2 to 2 1/2 hours.  During that 7 hours a week, I will pray/meditate, build strength, stretch, build flexibility, put gorgeous brush stroke into this work of art called life.  2.25 x 3 = 6.75 
71 - 7 = 64

walking -- I want to walk, outside of doors, every, single day for at least half an hour.  sometimes this wil be done on my lunch break at work, with my camera in hand, and other days it will be at home.  walking is a wonderful meditation, so good for body, mind and soul.  1/2 hour x 7 = 3.5 hours
64 - 3.5= 60.5

kundalini yoga too -- 1 hour, once a week.  (the time getting there and back home will be included in my commuting to work or walking time since this class is on the way home from work, sort of)
60.5 - 1 = 59.5

spanish lessons -- I have already made a commitment to really learn Spanish this year.  I think it would be wisest to commit to 1 hour at least 4 days per week.  using rosetta stone this will be 2 days for new lessons and 2 days for test and review.  I don't want to do this halfway.  I want to really learn this subject right and well and deeply. 
59.5 - 4 = 55.5

meditation with holosync -- because I have already committed to 4 yoga classes a week (3 Bikram, 1 Kundalini) and because my walking and yoga are meditations, I will not try to fit in holosync meditations everyday.  my life is happiest, I am happiest and my loved ones are happiest when I have a balance of work, practice, study and play.  to that end I will plan for 3 days of 1 hour holosync meditations per week.
55.5 - 3 = 52.5

this is a rough draft, a beginning.  a though process.  it needs to be refined and polished and tweeked. 

right now, I've just finished yoga for the second day in a row and my muscles were aching the first day because of doing some crazy biggest loser video with my roommate which involved zillions of lunges and some famous (not to me) guy named bob.  and the days before that I did jumping jacks until I was exhausted.  so now I'm goiing to bed......... 

almost -- more thoughts on time management.  this was prompted by a desire to create balance and organization, not rigidity, so this is a fluid plan and even though it's ambitious and I may have bitten off more than I can chew, it's ok. 


more things that I absolutely make time for:

library / reading
blogging / writing / & reading blogs
making art - postcards, boxes & photos
hiking
cross country skiing
do nothing except what I absolutely want to do at that very moment time
gardening
making my home into a wonderfully welcoming sanctuary
volunteering
writing letters to various powers that be and / or editors
paperwork / bill paying -- the dreaded paperwork -- how to turn that from a complaint into a gratitude??  -- oh here it is -- be thankful that I have the money to pay the bills, even a little at a time.
film / play / comedy / live music time
hang out with husband and laugh time
bath time
cooking and having people over for great conversation / friends & family time
travel
teaching yoga too

these are actually, truly all things that lift my spirits.  how does anyone in this big world actually get bored???

ok everybody -- comment away -- but remember -- this is only a rough draft and it's completely uneditted. 

night night.

(I thought about leaving this private in case I can't do all these things, but I read that you should always bite off more than you can chew if you want to live an epic life -- and I liked that advice, so I'm going for it.  yeah.  :-) )

Today in yoga class I was a sculptor.  I am sculpting a gift for a very important person.  We have a very important day coming up.  It is the sixth anniversary of our first Valentine's Day together.  I want to give him this gift on Feb. 14th, 2009.  It's a statue of a Greek Goddess/Finnish Witch.  She'll be very life like because I'm sculpting her out of my own flesh.  I only have an hour or two a day to work on her and just 2 or 3 days ago she was nothing but a blob.  My tools are the yoga asanas, my muscles and tendons and ligaments and my patience and vision and determination.  Every time a posture was hard today and I wanted to give up (and they felt REALLY challenging today because I'm so sore from the past 3 days of intense exercise) I said to myself, this is life as a work of art.  If you only have an hour or two a day to work on your epic masterpiece, you don't slack off or drink coffee or eat bonbons or write your grocery list during that time.  You work.  You use every moment given you, but you don't rush either.  The really good sculptors never ever rush.  They see something in the stone, they have a vision and they coax it out, they woo it into being.  I'm doing that with this sculpture.  She's going to be really, amazingly beautiful.  I can see her in there already, I'm just chiseling a little here, polishing a bit there, finessing some back there.  I hope the very important person who will receive this gift on Valentine's Day will be able to see all the love and patience and hard work that went into her and appreciate it.  I have a feeling he will.  Adam is pretty darn amazing himself.  ;-D

And here's the view from the laundry room before yoga this morning.  Thank you iPhone camera for capturing that blue so beautifully.