tonight I logged into my old myspace place.  it had been quite awhile.  I needed to reconnect with someone who frequents that young, hip, seedy, messy, sometimes wild, sometimes annoying place.  if gaia/zaadz is like the slightly sedate, quiet yet magical, vegan restaurant/bistro/coffee shop with deep, deep green painted walls and windows that open into the tree tops that is found in the upstairs of a wonderful independent bookseller store in Aspen called Explore, then myspace is like a wild, all-night coffeshop/used bookstore/performance space at the edge of the a rough/tough neighborhood in Denver called Muddie's and facebook is the somewhat bland, but yet still serving it's purpose coffeeshop/cafeteria/hangout spot on the college campus in Fort Collins with a name so bland I can't even remember it.  I find myself equally comfortable in each millieu and drawn to one more than another for different purposes and different moods and also depending on who I am trying to connect with. 

so I went slumming tonight and I rather enjoyed it.  I even got dressed up a bit, to try to impress the denizens of myspace/muddie's-- meaning I updated my profile page just a bit.  if you click the link above you might find that you have been mentioned in conversation there.  I was name dropping about all my cool friends who hang out here.  am I becoming a grown up??  or just aquiring a more sophisticated pallette and honoring my own need for nuturing.   

no--- when i was young, young, I still found explore magical, I just thought I wanted those hipsters at muddie's to be impressed by me, but I was scared of all of them then.  I wasn't really comfortable in any of those places.  I must just be getting comfortable in my own skin and learning it's ok to interact and it's ok to tell others when you like them-- I didn't know that it was safe to do that a long time ago.  it's been a long road to finding out.  I'm glad I found out though. 

and I like you gaia's.  I really, really like you. 

last night I described various social networking websites as if they were places in the real world.  i said I was slumming when I went back to my old myspace and I called facebook kind of bland, but still serving a purpose.  I reread my post and I'd like to issue a retraction.  those places I described and their "real" world conterparts are just made up of people and here again, I've found that generalizations don't work with social networking sites any more than they work for describing people.  descriptors can be useful, but they are too tricky, and not useful if they stick around too long?  I'd rather take back those labels and let each of the sites, the places, the persons stand for themself from day to day, even allowing them plenty of room to reivent themselves or turn themselves into a new story day by day.  laura blogged this koan blog and this blessings blog that also had me thinking and a myspace friend told me she hardly ever comes to gaia anymore because she has way too much fun over on myspace connecting with musicians from all over the world whose music she plays on her radio show, which I absolutely love.  I think the koan laura posted.....

"Two monks were arguing about the temple flag waving in the wind. One monk said: "The flag moves." The other said: "The wind moves." Back and forth they argued. Coming upon them, Hui-neng, the Sixth Patriarch, said, "Monks! It is not the flag that moves. It is not the wind that moves. It is your mind that moves!" The two monks were awestruck.
--Zen koan

.......speaks so eloquently this very thing-- that it is what we bring to our interactions that matter and we can bring love and curiousity and a breathe of fresh air into any situation, any interaction, any place, any time.  and then i saw this quote on a facebook friend's profile....

"Wisdom tells me I am nothing. 
Love tells me I am everything.
And between the two my life flows."
-- Nisargadatta Maharaj

it really knocked me over with it's simplicity and depth.  I wanted to find out more about the quote and so I googled, googled, googled and read and I found the most amazing things, but this is what spoke to me most.    "Transforming Energy: The Breath of Compassion�," a meditation offered by Joel & Michelle Levey

as I read it I remembered this post from almost a year ago that someone suggested I maybe should repost.  arrrgh! you meant?

so, well, what I'd like to say in this retraction is that I want to keep remembering to take things as they are minute by minute, place by place, person by person and not limit my life experience by spending much time labeling.

and I'd like end with a quote I found while reading a comment from katherine on peridot's blog.

“I see who you are beyond any circumstance and I delight in your presence…….let's play”……….."

it's been a cathartic day for me.  and I am not retracting that I really, really, really like you gaia's. 

xo
-d

ps-- has anyone here read this book?  Freedom and Its Betrayal, by Isaiah Berlin, editted by Henry Hardy.   i just finished it and I'd like to open a discussion about it. 

seen on the wall of hunter college in nyc in fall 2007.  i've taken it out of context and played with it.  sometimes I think I only take photos so I can do that and name them.

seen in nyc with jordan and farland in october 2007.  I am full of memories tonight.

jordan is never far from my mind or my memory, but lately he is always, every minute, every second in my mind.  whether my mind is quiet or agitated or content or busy, he is there.  and in my heart even more.  and every split second stretching into forever is a prayer that he can feel the love for him coming up through his feet as they touch the earth and in through his nostrils as they breathe the air and flowing into him as he drinks the water and singing to him in the wind and shining down on him from the stars.   one day I know all that love is going to flow back out from him and I can't wait to see how it manifests in the world.  this is one gorgeous, special, smart, funny, talented kid, and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom. 

right this minute life is a song.  i ordered some crazy good headphones, the kind the audiophiles put on their heads so they can feel aurally superior to the rest of us mortals.  I decided I wanted good headphones if I was going to do this holosync thing right.  don't ask me about holosync right now.  I'm new at it.  I'm always ridiculously optimistic about new intersests, so I tend to go on and on about them and then if you ask me about them in a few years I might say, "oh yeah, I forgot about that.........  and etc".  I've learned some stick-to-it-ivness over the years, but I'm cautious and maybe even a little skeptical about this holosync thing, but not enough to keep me from buying the first part of the system and some fabuloso headphones. 

but here's the good part.  those headphones arrived in the mail today and I'm using them to listen to the music from my computer right now and I have to say that since I dumped all my cd's onto my hard drive and now almost always hear music through the very poor computer speakers or the iPhone ear buds.....  well lets just say I didn't realize I had been living in an impoverished sound universe until this moment.   quite possibly I haven't heard this quality of gorgeous rich sounds since.......  well at least since I lived with that damn snobby audiophile some long time ago who thought that his super stereo was more important than any human being which annoyed the heck out of me and left me avoiding audiophiles and other snobs for years......   but he did have a really nice stereo and it was oh so intoxicating to hear the cowboy junkies' "trinity sessions" on that stereo in that room. 

so while I type this I'm hearing norah jones' "feels like home" album through these headphone and it's hard to even type because the sounds are demanding my entire attention.

so life for me, this minute, this breath is a song and then another song.  a story and then another story.  a beat and then another beat, like heartbeats going on and on.  and strum and horn and then a dance and another dance and then eyes closed swaying.

dang-- I can feel this music in my ankles, my knees, my toes.  here's one of the songs that is claiming my almost entire attention right now. 


Your eyes seek conclusion in all this confusion of mine
Though you and I both know it's only the warm glow of wine
That's got you to feeling this way, but I don't care,
I want you to stay
Just to hold me and tell me you'll be here to love me today

Children are dancin', the gamblers are chancin' their all
The window's accusing the door of abusing the wall
But who cares what the night watchmen say
The stage has been set for the play
So just hold me and tell me you'll be here to love me today

The moon's come and gone but a few stars hang on to the sky
Well the wind's runnin' free but it ain't up to me to ask why
But the poets are demanding their pay
And they've left me with nothin' to say
'cept hold me and tell me you'll be here to love me today
Just hold me and tell me that you'll be here to love me today
Just hold me and tell me that you'll be here to love me today

and this too.....  this one's one of my favorite favoritist life songs....


yeah.  that's it.  life is a song and a taking the long way home, together.  mmmmmmm.

and what the heck.  I wanted to hear it a third time and this is a nice performance too.  so I'll share it with you all. 

Here are the rules ,

1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

TIP - Please don't tag people who've already been tagged. Play mindfully.

Owais tagged me.

the above rules conflict wit the TIP.  the rules say to tag six RANDOM people.  the TIP says don't tag people who've already been tagged.  I guess I'll have to mindfully tag six RANDOM people who haven't been tagged yet.   this may prove too taxing for me today, but I'll give it a shot. 

six non-important things / habits / quirks about me.......

I often go to the library and check out way more books than I could possibly read in the allotted time.   I choose them sort of playfully, mindfully, randomly.  :-)

I hum to myself, sometimes to the dismay of some of my co-workers.

I read the labels at the grocery store and have existential meltdowns in the aisles.  Sometimes it takes me hours to finish the grocery shopping. 

I fantasize about having a luscious growing garden inside and outside of my house, but I am too neglectful of my houseplants and if it weren't for adam they'd probably all be dead by now.

I'm only just beginning to understand that I can have my head in the clouds and my feet planted squarely on the ground at the same time, even when I'm not on top of a really tall mountain. 

I would like to tag....

JP Jakonen

B.B.

FenixRizing

Tiina Puska

Mark Gehrke

Prabhath P

ah, well, playing mindfully, honoring the rules of the game, trying to tag 6 random people who had not been tagged before was somewhat time consuming but ultimately insanely rewarding.  I started out by reading the blogs of some of my friends whose blogs I hadn't read much yet, to be somewhat certain they hadn't been tagged before.  I then proceeded to see who their friends were and see if there was someone who I'd like to know more about.  The random part of it was that I chose them just by their profile pic and then clicked, read about them on their profile page and then went to their blog to see if they'd been tagged.  So the above list is what I found, randomly and mindfully and I have to tell you, my mind has been seriously blown by this process and the people and the blogs I found.  I have a long standing fascination with Finland and a recent fascination with Ken Wilber and I found, randomly and mindfully mind you, a person here on gaia who is currently translating one of Ken's books into Finnish.  wow.  I also have a deep love of Kundalini yoga and, well, you'll see if you click on Prabhath P's profile link above.  and so much more happened for me in the past hour.  I don't think I can put it into words.  but I highly recommend the exercise I just did for anyone.  I resisted and thought about goiing the easy route as some have with this tag game and just say "anyone who reads this tag yourself if you want", but I wanted to honor the rules of the game if I was going to play.  I thought it would be more likely to have an interesting outcome if I acually took the time to invite someone to play.  and lo and behold...   it has been more interesting.  and they haven't even answered any questions yet.    :-) 

I'm going back out now.  :-)

with my dogs and kiley's.  this is kiley's.  he loves to get the stick first and then play keep-the-stick-away-from-the-other-dogs.  he's the smallest and fastest and has the fiercest growl of them all. 

from left: took took, kiley, velvet, adam (ozzy is hiding behind velvet)

I went to a "seminar" today.  "Managing Multiple Priorities, Projects, Deadlines" --  something like that.  I wanted it to be "Multiple Magnificient Perspectives, Perceptions, Lifelines"---  something like that.  It was at the Ramada Inn -- a mediocre hotel in Glenwood Springs, Colorado.  It was a dusty, dirty, bitter cold day, but the sun was out.  I had my camera.  I gave myself a playful assignment to see what beauty I could find on this unpretty day, despite the initial seeming bleakness of the day.  This is what I found during the breaks.  I learned a lot today, in the class and out of it too.  yay, yum, hummmmmm.  ;-)





and then I visited some dear friends and their usually stand-offish cat, Taliesin, was very friendly.  



Then I got home and applied some of those multiple project skills I got reminded of today and they work!  Some of the piles of paper are smaller.  My breakfast/lunch/snacks/dinner for tomorrow are packed.  I had a nice dinner with my sweatheart before he had to get ready for working his graveyard shift.  Even some laundry got done and my overdue library books are stacked neatly by the door, ready to go back to the library (finally) -- I think Taliesin must've given me some magic because I still don't know how all this was accomplished in the allotted time, even with that time management stuff.  hum, hmmmm......  could the Across The Universe soundtrack have helped?  

Time for bed now.  Two 14 hour work days coming up.  I wonder what wonder will be in them?!

I've been having a mini John Denver youtube marathon.  Whoa!   Dryad inspired it. 









Thanks Edwina. 

-Dawn

I just love it when I go to post a blog and then decide to check the QaR's first and find that my intended blog and today's question mesh. 

I think this letter that I just wrote to Jordan will answer this question nicely.  Today my life is like one of those nesting doll things or like a picture of a picture of a picture of a picture of a picture.........  or a holon, always partial, already whole, which it actually always is I just this minute remembered.  :-)


Friday, March 14th, 2008

Hi Jordan,

I miss you tons.  Sometimes when I look at the pictures of you I get tears in my eyes.  I think about you everyday and send you as much love as I can.  I love you so much, I don't think you can possibly know how much, no matter how much or in what way I say it.  It occurs to me that I haven't been as creative over the years as I might have been in expressing that love for you and that I haven't told you nearly often enough how much I love you.  I remember that when you were little I told you a thousand ways, a zillion times every day.  As you got older, it seemed like you needed it less and we both got busier and I didn't say it or show it as much, maybe less and less each year and I think that was a mistake on my part.  I am starting to see that you really can't love a person too much --- you can bug them too much and you can demand too much of them and you can yell too much or talk too much etc.....   but you really can't love too much.  All these years of my life I've been learning new lessons about the true nature of love.  I'd like to share some of them with you.  The reason I want to share them with you is because I can't think of anything much to say to you right now except, I love you, and I want to try to explain what I mean when I say that.  So, the following is what I believe about love and life right now, in the form of my master list of things to accomplish in life which I wrote today.  I took a "multiple project management" or time management class this week.  My boss sent me to it to learn something and bring back information to share with all my co-workers.  I've tried to apply the principles I learned in that class to my daily life.  At the beginning of the class the man asked us to write down all the things we would do each day if we had plenty of time.  And then he asked us, "why aren't you doing those things?" in a very accusatory manner.  And then he proceeded to explain that time is constant and never stops or speeds up and that it is actually impossible to manage time, but that we have to learn to manage our choices about how we spend our time.  The next 8 hours were spent talking about ways to more effectively choose our activities based on our values.  He was talking about workplace values, but I was also thinking about personal life values.  He suggested we make a master task list of goals that was driven by our values.  Here's what I came up with:

---------------------------------------------

Be the best me I can be.  Love myself unconditionally.  Be interested in life.  Be light.  Be peaceful.  Be fun.  Be smart.  Be alive.  Be whole.  Remember everyday that I already am all these things.   Remember than I am whole, that I am enough, that I already have everything I could possibly ever need inside of me.  Remember that I am part of everything and everyone and that when I judge another I am really judging that part of myself and that it is impossible to love and judge at the same time.  All you need is love indeed.  :-)   Make loving choices for myself.  Honor myself, my body, my mind.  Nourish myself.  Remember and allow myself to feel gratitude everyday for all that I have and all that I am.  Be the best me I can be.

Be an incredible mom to Jordan.  Be the best mother I can be.  Love Jordan unconditionally.  Let Jordan know, always, that he is loved.  Let him feel cared for, nourished, supported in life.  Be the best mother I can possibly be, everyday.  Be fun.  Be interested.  Play together.  Be playful.  Be light.  Be loving.  Be kind.

Be an incredible, amazing, loving, fun, sexy, interesting wife to Adam.  Be the best wife I can be.  Love Adam unconditionally.  Be interested.  Be fun.  Be alive.   Be attracted to him.  Laugh together.  Play together.  Stay together.  Be playful.   Be the best wifey I can possibly be to Adam, everyday.

Be the best masterfriend I can be to Ozzy & Velvet.  Love my dogs unconditionally.  Play with them.  Feed them well.  Care for them.  Walk them everyday.  Return their excitement and love when I get home and they are happy and excited to see me.  Be the best dog "owner" I can be.

Let the cat be.  :-)   Feed her well.  Play with her.  Enjoy her.  Let her comings and goings and moodiness be a lesson on the nature of life.  (What the heck?!  haha.)

Have a loving, nurturing, nourishing home.  Let go of things I don't need anymore.  Let clutter be gone from my home and my mind.  Spend a minimum of half an hour everyday lovingly and gratefully cleaning, organizing and decluttering our home.  On days when I have more time available and the house needs more attention, spend more time lovingly and thankfully cleaning and organizing and making our home the most enjoyable place it can be.  What a blessing it is to have a home, a place in life to be loved and reenergized and nourished.  A place to rest and rejuvenate ourselves.  A place to welcome guests, to play and laugh and learn and grow.  A place to be a happy, healthy family.

Be the best friend I can be to my friends, the best sister I can be to my brother and sister, the best daughter I can be to my mom, the best aunt I can be to my niece and nephew,  the best co-worker I can be for my co-workers, the best teacher I can be to my students, the best student I can be to my teachers.

Live lightly on planet earth.  Live in harmony with my fellow earth inhabitants.  Use just what I need and not more.  Share.  Honor all life.  Let my life be a walking prayer of gratitude, a joy, a love story.

-------------------- the above are my values and guiding principals, my mission statement, if you will--------------------  the below are the little specifics -- the ways I will accomplish those goals.


I will meditate everyday for one hour.  During my meditation time I will sit with my eyes closed and focus on my breathing and observe my thoughts and not be attached to them.  I will be a passive observer of my own thoughts and feelings.  I will allow all my thoughts and feelings to exist without being attached to them.  In this way I will extend lovingkindness and gratitude to myself and I will find more peace with myself and because of that inner peace I will find myself more able to extend lovingkindness and non judgement and playfulness and peace to my loved ones and the world.  Because of my meditation practice, my world and hence the world, will be a more peaceful place, simply because for at least that small time, I will not be adding conflict into it.

I will do yoga or take a walk or both everyday, even if it is just a 15 minute walk with the dogs around Lazy Glen.  On days when my schedule allows I will take a yoga class or go for an hour long walk. In this way I will keep my body and mind healthy.  I will give myself this gift of good health.

I will eat only healthy and nourishing foods.  I will cook at home and share my meals as often as possible with loved ones, friends and family.  When I cook I will use health giving, nourishing ingredients, including gratitude and love.

I will drink plenty of water everyday, with gratitude that I have water to drink and food to eat and share.

I will spend a minimum of 1/2 an hour each day cleaning and organizing my home with gratitude that I have a home to clean and clothes to wear and dishes to wash and with lovingkindness even for these objects that nurture me daily.

When my "important" activities are interrupted by a loved one, (even my meditation) I will put my activity aside, at least for a few moments, and give that person my undivided attention.  In this way, I will offer them lovingkindness and gratitude that they are part of my life.  I will invite my loved ones to be a part of my activities and be thankful that we can cook and clean and organize and walk and do yoga and meditate and just have fun together and play.

I will spend 15 minutes a day making piles of paper and laundry and other things disappear, like magic, until there are no more piles.  At work I will spend at least 2 hours a day making those paper piles disappear.  I will use the "touch it once" rule to create this particular magic.  :-)

I will schedule time for reading and listening to music and learning-- spanish, norwegian, guitar or song, anatomy, more yoga philosophy, anything under the sun.   I will honor and commit to this time while also being flexible and remembering that my loved ones are my first priority.

I will take my camera with me often and when I do carry my camera with me it will be a reminder to see the beauty in everything, even in the things and people and places that at first do not seem beautiful.  I will take the time to really learn to use my camera well.

i will schedule "do nothing" time and I will schedule yearly, monthly, weekly and daily play time and commit to it and honor it.  Play is essential for the survival of humans.  This includes travel and social time and birthday and holidays and going to Westcliffe.  When I work on a holiday, I will schedule a day that I don't have to work in order to celebrate with my friends and family.  This will often include having friends and family at our home.

I will earn and save enough money to support my household, pay all my bills and take classes, buy special gifts for special people, travel alone and with loved ones (a big trip at least once a year), continue to make our home and our property welcoming, warm, nurturing environments, support my photography habit and to go back to school when I am 40 or 45 years old.

I will learn as much as I can about photography, yoga, dance, human anatomy and the human condition, LOVE, health, healthy systems, healthy communities, the Earth, the universe and everything before I die.  I will be a lifelong learner because I get so much joy from learning a new thing, because I find life and people interesting.

Once a year I will reevaluate these goals, add and take away as is appropriate and acknowledge the goals that I've accomplished.
Once a month I will take time to plan these things into my month and once a week I will take time to plan each of these things into my week.
Once a day I will look to this master list to create my daily plan.  I will only schedule the things into my daily plan that I can reasonably expect to accomplish, in order to avoid rushing or irritability when I cannot achieve the unreasonable expectations of my demanding self.

My plan will always be flexible while honoring my deepest values which are lovingkindness, love, play, joy, laughter, lightness and peace which comes also from honoring my responsibilities to myself and others.

When I am not perfect I will forgive myself and refocus on these goals and work and play toward achieving them everyday.  By forgiving myself and refocussing I can learn to allow others to be human and see that they too are perfect even with their "imperfections".


------------------------------------------------

I wanted to share this with you, Jordan, so that you could see what my values and goals are.  I don't expect your values and goals ever to be exactly the same as mine.

I challenge you, Jordan, to define your own deepest values and most important goals and to really stick to them.  I believe that we suffer the most as humans when our life is not in alignment with our own deepest values.

I love you so much Jordan.  Helping you to be the best you that you can be is one of my highest and most important priorities.  16 years ago in March, we were in Kenosha, Wisconsin where I had stayed to live while I was pregnant with you and where you were born.  Your grandmother had been to visit and gone back to Colorado.  I was saving every penny so we could come back to live in Colorado near Grandma and Laurie and Sonny.  It was just you and me in Wisconsin and you were the most important thing to me.  You are still that important to me.

Keep up the good work at wilderness therapy.

I love you so much!
-Mom

I think it's a question of perspective.  see.........


Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892–1950). 
Renascence and Other Poems.  1917.  
1. Renascence    

ALL I could see from where I stood
Was three long mountains and a wood;
I turned and looked the other way,
And saw three islands in a bay.
So with my eyes I traced the line        5

Of the horizon, thin and fine,
Straight around till I was come
Back to where I’d started from;
And all I saw from where I stood
Was three long mountains and a wood.         10

Over these things I could not see:
These were the things that bounded me;
And I could touch them with my hand,
Almost, I thought, from where I stand.
And all at once things seemed so small         15

My breath came short, and scarce at all.
But, sure, the sky is big, I said;
Miles and miles above my head;
So here upon my back I’ll lie
And look my fill into the sky.         20

And so I looked, and, after all,
The sky was not so very tall.
The sky, I said, must somewhere stop,
And—sure enough!—I see the top!
The sky, I thought, is not so grand;         25
 
I ’most could touch it with my hand!
And reaching up my hand to try,
I screamed to feel it touch the sky.
I screamed, and—lo!—Infinity
Came down and settled over me;        30

Forced back my scream into my chest,
Bent back my arm upon my breast,
And, pressing of the Undefined
The definition on my mind,
Held up before my eyes a glass         35

Through which my shrinking sight did pass
Until it seemed I must behold
Immensity made manifold;
Whispered to me a word whose sound
Deafened the air for worlds around,         40

And brought unmuffled to my ears
The gossiping of friendly spheres,
The creaking of the tented sky,
The ticking of Eternity.
I saw and heard and knew at last         45

The How and Why of all things, past,
And present, and forevermore.
The Universe, cleft to the core,
Lay open to my probing sense
That, sick’ning, I would fain pluck thence         50

But could not,—nay!
But needs must suck
At the great wound,
and could not pluck
My lips away till I had drawn
All venom out.—Ah, fearful pawn!
For my omniscience paid I toll         55

In infinite remorse of soul.
All sin was of my sinning, all
Atoning mine, and mine the gall
Of all regret. Mine was the weight
Of every brooded wrong, the hate         60

That stood behind each envious thrust,
Mine every greed, mine every lust.
And all the while for every grief,
Each suffering, I craved relief
With individual desire,—         65

Craved all in vain! And felt fierce fire
About a thousand people crawl;
Perished with each,—then mourned for all!
A man was starving in Capri;
He moved his eyes and looked at me;         70

I felt his gaze, I heard his moan,
And knew his hunger as my own.
I saw at sea a great fog bank
Between two ships that struck and sank;
A thousand screams the heavens smote;         75

And every scream tore through my throat.
No hurt I did not feel, no death
That was not mine; mine each last breath
That, crying, met an answering cry
From the compassion that was I.         80

All suffering mine, and mine its rod;
Mine, pity like the pity of God.
Ah, awful weight! Infinity
Pressed down upon the finite Me!
My anguished spirit, like a bird,         85

Beating against my lips I heard;
Yet lay the weight so close about
There was no room for it without.
And so beneath the weight lay I
And suffered death, but could not die.         90  

Long had I lain thus, craving death,
When quietly the earth beneath
Gave way, and inch by inch, so great
At last had grown the crushing weight,
Into the earth I sank till I         95

Full six feet under ground did lie,
And sank no more,—there is no weight
Can follow here, however great.
From off my breast I felt it roll,
And as it went my tortured soul         100

Burst forth and fled in such a gust
That all about me swirled the dust.  
Deep in the earth I rested now;
Cool is its hand upon the brow
And soft its breast beneath the head         105

Of one who is so gladly dead.
And all at once, and over all
The pitying rain began to fall;
I lay and heard each pattering hoof
Upon my lowly, thatchèd roof,         110

And seemed to love the sound far more
Than ever I had done before.
For rain it hath a friendly sound
To one who’s six feet under ground;
And scarce the friendly voice or face:         115

A grave is such a quiet place.  
The rain, I said, is kind to come
And speak to me in my new home.
I would I were alive again
To kiss the fingers of the rain,         120

To drink into my eyes the shine
Of every slanting silver line,
To catch the freshened, fragrant breeze
From drenched and dripping apple-trees.
For soon the shower will be done,         125

And then the broad face of the sun
Will laugh above the rain-soaked earth
Until the world with answering mirth
Shakes joyously, and each round drop
Rolls, twinkling, from its grass-blade top.         130

How can I bear it; buried here,
While overhead the sky grows clear
And blue again after the storm?
O, multi-colored, multiform,
Beloved beauty over me,         135

That I shall never, never see
Again! Spring-silver, autumn-gold,
That I shall never more behold!
Sleeping your myriad magics through,
Close-sepulchred away from you!         140

O God, I cried, give me new birth,
And put me back upon the earth!
Upset each cloud’s gigantic gourd
And let the heavy rain, down-poured
In one big torrent, set me free,         145

Washing my grave away from me!  
I ceased; and through the breathless hush
That answered me, the far-off rush
Of herald wings came whispering
Like music down the vibrant string         150

Of my ascending prayer, and—crash!
Before the wild wind’s whistling lash
The startled storm-clouds reared on high
And plunged in terror down the sky,
And the big rain in one black wave         155

Fell from the sky and struck my grave.
I know not how such things can be;
I only know there came to me
A fragrance such as never clings
To aught save happy living things;         160

A sound as of some joyous elf
Singing sweet songs to please himself,
And, through and over everything,
A sense of glad awakening.
The grass, a-tiptoe at my ear,         165

Whispering to me I could hear;
I felt the rain’s cool finger-tips
Brushed tenderly across my lips,
Laid gently on my sealèd sight,
And all at once the heavy night         170

Fell from my eyes and I could see,—
A drenched and dripping apple-tree,
A last long line of silver rain,
A sky grown clear and blue again.
And as I looked a quickening gust         175

Of wind blew up to me and thrust
Into my face a miracle
Of orchard-breath, and with the smell,—
I know not how such things can be!—
I breathed my soul back into me.         180

Ah! Up then from the ground sprang I
And hailed the earth with such a cry
As is not heard save from a man
Who has been dead, and lives again.
About the trees my arms I wound;         185

Like one gone mad I hugged the ground;
I raised my quivering arms on high;
I laughed and laughed into the sky,
Till at my throat a strangling sob
Caught fiercely, and a great heart-throb         190

Sent instant tears into my eyes;
O God, I cried, no dark disguise
Can e’er hereafter hide from me
Thy radiant identity!
Thou canst not move across the grass         195

But my quick eyes will see Thee pass,
Nor speak, however silently,
But my hushed voice will answer Thee.
I know the path that tells Thy way
Through the cool eve of every day;         200

God, I can push the grass apart
And lay my finger on Thy heart!  
The world stands out on either side
No wider than the heart is wide;
Above the world is stretched the sky,—         205

No higher than the soul is high.
The heart can push the sea and land
Farther away on either hand;
The soul can split the sky in two,
And let the face of God shine through.         210

But East and West will pinch the heart
That can not keep them pushed apart;
And he whose soul is flat—the sky
Will cave in on him by and by.


thanks jeannie and lil and all you wonderful gaia's for helpiing me to remember this today and hallelujah for wonderful, well read, worldy, wordy, witty, wise women -- and men too!  ;-)

today is a designated do nothing but play day and boy am I playing!!  I found this!!!! 



and this!!! 

http://www.myspace.com/juanamolina

if you follow the myspace link check out the song Micael.  It's brilliant and amazing.  as soon as I get my hard drive fixed I'm going to have to buy her music!!  oh!  I love it.  and she's so brave.  see what I mean by that in this interview......




I found this because of something on Farland's blog that reminded me of a song by Lhasa de Sela and a youtube search for a song of Lhasa's with a lyric about a flying fish which I have not yet found so I went to www.pandora.com and asked the computer program to kindly play me some Lhasa de Sela radio and it played Juana Molina first and I'm very happy it did....   here are those lyrics that I was looking for, I highly recommend Lhasa's album "The Living Road" if you are looking for rich, yummy, deep, get into your bones music. 

Soon this space will be too small
And I'll go oustide
To the huge illside
Where the wild winds blow
And the cold stars shine

I'll put my foot
On the living road
And be carried from here
To the heart of the world

I'll be strong as a ship
And wise as a wale
And I'll say the three words
That will save us all
And I'll say the three words
That will save us all

Soon this space will be too small
And I'll laugh so hard
That the walls cave in

The I'll die three times
And be born again
In a little box
With a golden key
And a flying fish
Will set me free

Soon this space will be too small
All my veins and bones
Will be burned to dust
You can throw me into
A black iron pot
And my dust will tell
What my flesh would not

Soon this space will be too small
And I'll go oustide
And I'll go oustide
And I'll go oustide

and one last bit of yumminess for this post.......


ok, just one more.

here's to beauty, brains and bravery all mixed up in many different people in many different ways.  YUM! 
and just one more......   can't help it! 

I posted about Juana Molina and especially her song Micael yesterday, I know. 

I have to post this again today because I can't stop listening to it.  It's hypnotic and with these headphones it's-------    I feel such power and life coming from it.  I've linked to it in a ton of comments to people.  My whole experience today is being filtered through it.  It's the loveliest bit of stuff I've stumbled upon in awhile.  I have to take off the headphones and go to yoga now.  I'm almost about to blow off yoga to keep listening to it and dancing around and around the house while putting things in their happiest places, but no....   a time for stillness too.  ;-)

enjoy....... 


I find the video distracting from the sounds for some reason, so I don't watch it, but maybe you'll like it?......  

-going to get hot and still and build strength and flexibility now...........

I think this might have something to do with it.........  amanda baggs....  "in my language". 


waking up to broader and broader ways of interacting with the world.  somehow this video and the  juana molina music I have been listening to obsessively are interrelated in my mind.  I think juana and amanda are both acting as translators of a kind. 

for me, if it is beautiful, it must be true.  but beauty is subjective.  and what is beautiful to me, may not be beautiful to you.  yes and of course so is truth, subjective.  beauty and truth have at least that in common, subjectivity.

tonight, my beauty and truth are in a clear sky with an almost full moon causing the still snow covered mountains to seem to glow, listening to a cd that I bought in iceland some years ago== danish musicians (d.r. big band) accompanied by the haunting voice of a faroese siren (eivor palsdottir).  my heart soared and ached, though I only understand a word or two of the lyrics.  those lyrics, whatever they are saying, they must be true, because the beauty of their utterance makes me ache and the mountains and the moon and the stars and the space between were singing the same truth. 

For me I think it's less about choosing which rules to undo than it is about choosing which games to play.  If I'm going to play a game, i like to play by the rules.  I also like to collaboratively make up new games with funny rules.  Like, when doing the laundry one must sing out a nonsense phrase for each piece of laundry folded and put away.  or when walking to the bus, one must spin around and look at everything on every 3rd step.  or...   I don't know.  and though I do think it's more fun to play a game if the rules are set and agreed upon and everyone plays by them, it's also good to not take the rules too seriously and when someone says, "hey, let's change that rule to this......", it can be fun to play right along.  the best are the games where everyone is most interested in playing, rather than super focused on winning. 

in my day to day life I play the work game, the driving my car game (sometimes), the riding the bus game, the making my husband laugh or smile game.  I play the politics game sometimes.  the walking the dogs around the neighborhood and seeing if i can see anything new in the neighborhood game.  I like to pretend I'm a brilliant student who will invent the next best thing since sliced bread.  I play the yoga teacher game.  the yoga student game.  I find it fascinating the rules people have made up around those games at different studios.  and some places they take the rules very seriously.  I play along at those studios and smile a lot while doing it. and there are games that I just didn't enjoy the rules of, so I quit playing.  one of those was the DYSFUNCTIONAL relationship game.   instead I just hang out with people I enjoy.  the rules of that game go like this--- hang out more with people who are fun and who I enjoy and mimimize time with people I find unpleasant, but if I do find myself in company of someone unpleanant, to try to understand what it is about them that I don't like in myself and then forgive myself for being-- whatever it is--- in my past or present or future.  and then let it go. 

this morning I am not going to a yoga class or sitting for an hour in meditation (I'll save that for a latter part of the day).  instead i am going to go visit a new baby and play the make silly faces until we all laugh game. 

have you all seen this girl already---   brave, fun, awesome, alive.   I like the game she is playing at. 

some say life is a highway, I like it better as a game and you really can make up some of the rules as you go along and you really can choose to make up fun rules. 

do you have to undo old rules before you can install other ones?  I don't know.  maybe useless ones just fall away?

I would like to see the airport rules change.  they've just gotten nonsensical.  but I'll play by them when I want to go somewhere, though I will try to be playful with them.  I just don't think it helps to put on my unhappy face and scowl and complain at the folks who have chosen to play the airport security game for a very small paycheck.  I think those ones need some lovin', maybe a smile. 

I think Jordan and I will play the "see how many people you can make smile" game on our next trip that involves airports.  we like staying out of the box.  we played that sort of game in new york city with farland too.  and we won.   all of us.  ;-)

I can't remember a particularly fierce storm, though I'm sure there have been some.  Perhaps I am just lulled by this fast, but quiet snowfall tonight.  is gentle storm an oxymoron? 

my birthday is in a little less than 3 weeks.  whoa!  a nice gift to give myself.....?   freedom from clutter.  freedom from extra pounds so my old favorite clothes will fit.  a lighter body so it'll be easier to make my bicycle go when the bike path is ridable again.  the less stuff I have and the lighter my physical body, the more fun it will be to dance through my next year of life. 

i crashed my external hard drive a few weeks ago -- the one with all my photographs from my first digital camera in 2003 til now + a lot of scanned stuff + a great deal of music.  I'm practicing non attachment about it.  I know the data can be recovered, but the process will probably cost about $2000.  I am close to having that much money, but that would mean putting the data recovery as a higher priority than the tipi and taking take jordan with me to norway-- a trip I have been looking forward to for a few years now.  so-- non attachment and patience.  dropping my hard drive while it  was running-- now why did my subconscious or my higher consciousness allow me to do that?  maybe I have been too attached to those things.  maybe it is time to learn a lesson about freedom and lightness.  :-)

I took everything out of the bedroom and bathroom and now I am putting back in only the things that are truly life enhancing.  what a project, but it feels good!!  I am being ruthless in the culling away of things.  I am giving away everything that is not absolutely necessary or absolutely magical.  now-- my definition of magical may be broader than some, but still, I've gotten rid of a lot.  the living room photo was taken this morning and now we can actually sit on the couch again.  :-) 

isn't it funny how we are now as likely to pay our hard earned cash to limit stimulation as we are to pay for stimulation.  for instance, we pay to go to yoga or meditation class to help us find quiet.  we pay to get gaia or another site ad free.  we are overstimulated in many ways.

yesterday I didn't wake up early enough to do my one hour meditation before work, so I wanted to do it at my lunch break, but I sit all day at work in a chair while my ears are overstimulated and I wanted to move my understimulated legs rather than sit.  but the instructions for "most effective" use of this holosync meditation sound recording that I bought are to do it while sitting and with eyes closed.  i can tell you it isn't easy to walk around with eyes closed and ears filled with the sound of rain and bells.  I am apparently not very good at following directions.  I played a game of walking as many steps as possible with my eyes closed while listening to my meditation recording.  I was also carrying my camera.  I'm sure the various joggers on the bike path might have  thought I was  a little nuts, well, I for sure thought I was---- walking around with my eyes closed with my camera out-- but with meditation one ought to just observe thoughts and not be attached to them, so I let the I'm nuts thoughts go and continued to see how many steps I could  take with my  eyes closed.  I  made it to 19.  then I would always have to open my eyes to see if I was still safely on the path.  once  I ran into a snowbank at the side of the path on the 15th step.  I took pictures in between eyes closed sessions.  I do not know if it was an effective meditation technique, but I was quite absorbed and relaxed.  I was late getting back from my lunch break. 

today I walked to a still covered in 2 feet of dirty snow park.  the only bench that wasn't covered in snow had a magazine lying on it, as if someone had just set it there a moment ago.  "real simple" --6 ways to manage the clutter was one of the articles listed on the cover.  I left it sitting there next to me and sat down and closed my eyes and started the meditation recording.  the idea was to be able to sit there, out of doors at the park, with my eyes closed for 1 hour and listen to the recorded bells and rain and observe my thoughts, but not be attached to any of them, positive or negative.  I squirmed.  I felt the wind on my face.  I felt the sun on one side of my face.  I thought I was sitting crooked.  I squirmed.  I opened my eyes and looked around at the blinding brightness of the sun on the dirty melting snow.  I closed my eyes again.  I thought it was kind of silly to be listening to recorded rain when it was a sunny day and I was sitting right next to a babbling brook.   I laughed at myself.  but I sat there listening with my eyes mostly closed for the whole hour. then I walked around and took pictures and got lunch.  I was late getting back to work from my break again. 

on npr this morning they said something about people having bought less large manufactured goods lately and how this was a worry for the economy.  I thought-- isn't that GOOD? that we're buying less stuff.  and I thought-- hey-- isn't npr the supposed "liberal" news?  well why can't they be a little more out of the box and report about the great news that people are buying less stuff-- how it'll be great for the environment, etc.  

then there was a story about the big ice shelf breaking off of antarctica-- a piece as big as connecticut, but it's not going to make the oceans rise because this piece was already in the ocean??! 

I'm not sure how we can adapt to the changes predicted for this century.  I'm not sure one can adapt to predictions.  I can see the way some of us are adapting to our current fast changing environment--  we're cutting down on the mental and physical clutter, probably emotional clutter too.  we're practicing non attachment, which can be helpful in times of rapid change.  we're keeping our minds and hearts open.  we're investigating new ways and old ways and listening and learning.  We reach out to one another.  We buy less and relate more.  We keep living and loving.  We are adapting everyday, already, but not to predictions, instead we are adapting to what we each percieve as our reality. 

the next several blog entries will be pictures from the perambulations of yesterday and today. 

a moment of heaven

once upon a long, long ago time, a being was walking along.  it was a spring day after a heavy winter and the water was beginning to rush with the melting.  this is what was seen and an idea of how to cross over was born.

what do you think they are callled?  are they native or noxious weeds?  are they perennial or annual? 

I don't care, they're pretty colors and I am tired of white and shades of gray. 

is it really the whole universe conspiring to give me exactly what I need exactly when I need it? 

am I delusional?  is rob brezsny hiding behind that tree?

why is this magazine sitting on the only park bench for miles around that is not covered by snow when I am on a specific search to find a park bench to sit on in the sunshine while I meditate with the intention of observing my mind clutter and finding out that peace is every breathe? 

I do love a good conspiracy theory.  :-) 

and practicing looking more than "both" ways. 

my friend, kiley, called me right before I was leaving work and asked me to meet her.  she was quite mysterious about it, said I had made her SO happy, but said I'd just have to wait to see her to find out how I'd done so. 

i love mysteries!  I was intrigued.  I called my husband and said, I just have to meet Kiley after work, she won't say why, she's being all mysterious.  he said, ok. 

when I saw her, at the bookstore with an organic, vegan bistro upstairs and the tiniest coffee shop ever downstairs that serves only organic coffee and milk and tea, she was dressed as usual-- micro mini, blond dreads, cleavage barely contained AND the lace up to the knees black doctor martin boots that I had bequeathed to her yesterday.  in my closet purging I had been ruthless-- if I hadn't worn it more than twice in the last 2 years and it wasn't absolutely magical, it had to go.  so, i'd invited my dear kiley to go through the back seat of the car before depositing all the ejected items at the thrift store.  she obviously is not purging her closets at the moment.  she adopted many of the items from the back seat on the spot.  so THAT was what she had to show and tell me.  her new to her super duper black boots.  we had appetizers in the bistro and a lovely talk and then some coffee at the coffeshop and kiley bought a book, "talk talk" and then we took her dog for a walk.  this photo is what I saw on that walk.

thanks for helping me out of my box tonight miss kiley and hurray!  I'm glad those boots found a happy home.  I have never seen someone quite so delighted by boots.  well, actually that's not true.  I have several friends who love, love, love their doctor martin boots, but it has been awhile since any of them quite so verbally adored and trilled to the music of some boots.  :-)  I love that girl.  :-)

"How have you tried to “be the change” in your work and life? Who inspires you by “walking their talk”? What gaps do you notice between your “walk” and “talk” and what steps can you take towards “being the change”?"

I think I talk more than I walk.  Literally and figuratively.  I think being the change for me might involve listening more and then listening some more.  I do listen for a living, I think I need to listen even more in my personal life, to those that are closest to me.  Every day I need to practice and practice and practice listening. 

Also-- I need to practice being less judgemental and more accepting of how things are.  Each day is another opportunity to practice.  I get all judgemental of people who are judgemental now and then.  Or sometimes I get all negative toward people who I've percieved as being negative.  It's almost comical how I find myself mirroring the behavior that I am disapproving of.  No, it IS comical, not almost. 

I admire those people who don't talk about being pleasant, but just are pleasant.  My husband hardly ever TELLS me how much he likes me or loves me or why, he just does loving things and loves.  We have actually argued about me needing more words from him-- silly me.  And it made me realize that I need to BE more loving to him-- to DO loving things instead of talking about love. 

I'm going to meditate on this question and maybe post more later.  Now it's time to go converse in the "real" world.  YAY! 

good question si.  (hey siona-- if I call you si for short, it's like saying yes in spanish-- I like that.)