How can you be the change that you want to see in the world?
Posted on Mar 28th, 2008
by 
synonym for light
synonym for light
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for March 28, 2008:
"How have you tried to “be the change” in your work and life? Who inspires you by “walking their talk”? What gaps do you notice between your “walk” and “talk” and what steps can you take towards “being the change”?"
I think I talk more than I walk. Literally and figuratively. I think being the change for me might involve listening more and then listening some more. I do listen for a living, I think I need to listen even more in my personal life, to those that are closest to me. Every day I need to practice and practice and practice listening.
Also-- I need to practice being less judgemental and more accepting of how things are. Each day is another opportunity to practice. I get all judgemental of people who are judgemental now and then. Or sometimes I get all negative toward people who I've percieved as being negative. It's almost comical how I find myself mirroring the behavior that I am disapproving of. No, it IS comical, not almost.
I admire those people who don't talk about being pleasant, but just are pleasant. My husband hardly ever TELLS me how much he likes me or loves me or why, he just does loving things and loves. We have actually argued about me needing more words from him-- silly me. And it made me realize that I need to BE more loving to him-- to DO loving things instead of talking about love.
I'm going to meditate on this question and maybe post more later. Now it's time to go converse in the "real" world. YAY!
good question si. (hey siona-- if I call you si for short, it's like saying yes in spanish-- I like that.)
I think I talk more than I walk. Literally and figuratively. I think being the change for me might involve listening more and then listening some more. I do listen for a living, I think I need to listen even more in my personal life, to those that are closest to me. Every day I need to practice and practice and practice listening.
Also-- I need to practice being less judgemental and more accepting of how things are. Each day is another opportunity to practice. I get all judgemental of people who are judgemental now and then. Or sometimes I get all negative toward people who I've percieved as being negative. It's almost comical how I find myself mirroring the behavior that I am disapproving of. No, it IS comical, not almost.
I admire those people who don't talk about being pleasant, but just are pleasant. My husband hardly ever TELLS me how much he likes me or loves me or why, he just does loving things and loves. We have actually argued about me needing more words from him-- silly me. And it made me realize that I need to BE more loving to him-- to DO loving things instead of talking about love.
I'm going to meditate on this question and maybe post more later. Now it's time to go converse in the "real" world. YAY!
good question si. (hey siona-- if I call you si for short, it's like saying yes in spanish-- I like that.)
Access: Public
being
August 2008 
Oh Dawn I love what you've said here and what a night! I was all ready to write pages about it but it's after midnight and work starts too early tomorrow and then it won't matter anyway
Doing loving things is important, and loving words without loving acts seem empty - but at the same time, words matter. I don't think anyone who uses language gets a pass on applying it to their relationships.
I like to be told nice things and also weird things and surprising things and funny things, and I like kind and loving acts too, and I make sure I contribute both from my side (I am best at weird but very good at nice too!).
I try for some balance of acceptance and judgment, but no apologies for being judgmental. I can't change anyone else with my magical powers, so accepting that they are where they are is always there - but just for an example, I work with a family that is outspokenly racially biased and they say very mean things about others, things that make me clench my teeth pretty hard. My judgment is that that mindset isn't good for them or the world and my responsibility is to do what I can to open their hearts a little, even while I accept that this is how they grew up, they're in their 70's now and in order to even get my foot in the door I have to accept their current behaviors. But the acceptance is less than the judgment, which is my real truth. And I don't think the judgment is wrong, and I really am very fond of these people, just not some of their behaviors.
I've been known to tell people to pick up trash they threw on the ground and direct them to a trashcan, to offer to take a crying toddler from a mom who was hitting the child in a store, and to use my camera to make it obvious that I was taking pictures of bad behavior in public. Bad in my judgment. And obviously, from the reaction, bad in their own judgment too. I'm okay with that.
And I don't believe for a second that your negative reactions are mirroring - some behaviors get a negative reaction from anyone with common sense and kindness.
Oh Jeannie I love what you;ve said here too.
They say, “talk is cheap.” And, it is - it doesn't really “cost” any effort to speak or write about change. But, the “bla-bla” factor is so much more seductive, and sounds so much more important, than rolling up ones sleeves and getting to work. I find when I do “walk the walk,” I'm usually too tired to talk about it. I agree with you, listening is an invaluable thing to do. But, as a fellow “talker” I imagine some people see the value in our “figuring things out aloud.”
My husband is like yours. He and I are definitely together to learn about “similar differences. ” It was I, who proposed to him. I, who suggested, by way of bursting into tears, that it would be good to have a honeymoon - just a wee little one - just a tiny-teeny-weeny one. For a lot of years I felt resentful of that. It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that he's basically a very contented person, and therefore, doesn't see a need to change what ain't broke. I, on the other hand, am always itching to “change” things. I often wonder, does the world truly need that much changing, or would more work get done, and less talking occur, if we accepted things as they are, and just did the work we're here to do. I am far more content in my marriage since I have accepted my husband's way of showing love. So, how can we be the change we want to see in the world? First of all, maybe we best inquire why we think things need changing. Change happens always. It's whether we can find acceptance and contentment in an ever-changing world which is the real challenge.
“I don't think anyone who uses language gets a pass on applying it to their relationships.” – mmhmmm.. yes. this is true. maybe they can get a break sometimes though. :-)
“I really am very fond of these people, just not some of their behaviors.” yes. this is good too. look- there I'm judging it to be true– it's impossilbe to stop judging completely. and probably not even desirable to stop judging completely– but maybe I can just become more aware of when i am judging.
“I've been known to tell people to pick up trash they threw on the ground and direct them to a trashcan” — ah, I've done this– to the dismay of several of my companions.
I've never seen a mom hitting a child in a store– do I live that sheltered a life? I've been living in a place where it is NOT ok to hit children. I have come to the defense of the underdog in so many countless situations– it's always verbal– I have been very fortunate or very sheltered, not to have been visually witness to physical violence in my adult life. I have been on the other end of a phone line in which violence was happening and in those situations my tactic is to distract the perpetrator until the police can arrive by engaging the violent person in conversation with me and letting their words fall on my own ears, ears who have been trained not to be harmed by those viscious words.
bad behavior–Bad in my judgment.—- in my work, being surrounded by police and jailers and working in a culture of law and order and being married to a police officer– I think it is important for me to constantly question my own attitudes about what is right and what is wrong and to periodically reassess my own judgements. I guess maybe I don't need to do away with judgement– but to reinforce it with acceptance and compassion?? I am training a new dispatcher who has lived a life longer than mine, but in some ways a very sheltered life— recently she was utterly shocked to find out that a man who was charged with sexual assault was quite elderly– she had made up in her own mind, knowing just a few generic details of the case, but not knowing the identity of the suspect the officers had gone to arrest, that the suspect would be some young punk. her own stereotypes and judgements about what sort of people commit certain types of crimes had blinded her to the reality that a sexual assault could be committed by an elderlly “gentleman”. in the following discussion about her shock, I also pointed out to her that just because he had been arrested by officers who we know and respect, it is not for us to assume that he is guilty, and especially because we do not know the actual details of the case or the evidence that the officers used to decide to arrest him. it is for the judicial system and a jury of his peers to determine his guilt or innocence. it is very unlikely, since we were not present at the time or place of the crime, that we may ever know for sure if he is guilty or innocent. it is this sort of thing that leads me to suspend my judgements about certain things.
“some behaviors get a negative reaction from anyone with common sense and kindness.”—- and yes, you're right again. I think though, that it is very easy to jump to conclusions about what we think is occurring and much harder to get outside of our socially conditioned box to see the situation from a second or third perspective. trying to see a situation from another perspective and another can be sometimes paralyzing and cause us to have an inability to take action. for this reason, as a dispatcher, it is my job to assume that what the person on the phone is telling me, is true– for action purposes. I may be 99.9% certain from past experience that the caller in question is “full of it” and I may be correct, but there is a danger in assume that just because the caller was crying wolf the past 17 times they've called that there isn't really a problem on the 18th call. there is an even greater danger in assuming that a certain type of caller is unrelible just because many others of the type of caller have been unreliable sources of information in the past– for instance, children, drunks, etc. yes, I have taken the story of a child at face vaue and sent half a county's resources on a wild goose chase– for a crashed car with a reported bleeding from the head and unconscious mother—- I had deputies, ambulances and firefighters from two districts combing a rural area for a car over the edge in a woods and it turned out the the child had fabricated every word, crawled out of his bedroom window through the woods and underbrush to the rural next door neighbors' house and told his very convincing story. on the flip side, a dispatcher in detroit following her agency's (in my judgement, really, really bad) policy, ignored the call for help of a child, told that child to stop playing with the phone, intimidated him into not calling again for several hours in which time his mother died and he sat alone in a dark apartment before finally having the courage to call again for help. if the dispatcher had suspended her judgements (yes and gone against her agency's policy) the child might still have a mother living. so —- is my argument against judgment?????? maybe not so– but how about questioning our judgement and refining it day by day. I cannot learn not to send help to a child just because some children lie and some having incredibly amazing imaginations and story telling abilities.
hmmmm. I cannot apply my dispatcher lessons to all life– we telephone communicators cannot see, smell, taste or touch the scene. we can only hear and we have to make those life affecting decisions in moments with only a bad phone connection and an often unreliable caller to help us make a judgement, so the best policy is to judge less and send someone to the scene to help– someone who will be able to use all their faculties to better assess the situation. hence the dispatcher rule– “when in doubt, send them out” and also, “be in doubt less often”. I wonder if we could apply this to the global warming debate– when in doubt, take action for the good of the environment and also, try to be in doubt less often. better to do too much good than not enough?
I'm still thinking about this. I wouldn't counsel everyone in the world to be in doubt less oten– I think questioning our assumptions is never wasted effort.
I'm reading, “The Creation” right now. by E.O.Wilson. and Farland & I went to see a talk about the Arctic last night, with commentary by a National Geographic Photographer, a climate researcher, an Inuit woman who is a member of the ICC and a NY Times environmental reporter. Between that and these tough questions this week– I'm almost a quivering mess.
of course, more blogging to follow.
I love these conversations with you Jeannie. And Farland – I have a bunch of commentary running through my head about last night– especially about the Inuit. Soon we'll talk about it. Maybe I'll see you tonight at EO Wilson's book signing. I have a few more questions for him.
ahhh– it's 3 pm. I guess I ought to get out of my pajamas.
otter, I guess you and I were typing at the same time again. :-) it kind of makes me happy to know that while I am tapping away at the keyboard, you are doing the same in some other part of the world.
you and I are alike in the husband department. adam says, “i love you” quite often, but he hugs more, kisses more, makes me tea, and breakfast and dinner, is constantly thoughful……. I can tell him all sorts of qualities that I like about him and blah, blah, blah– but maybe he just wants me to bring him coffee in bed sometime…… it is balance and acceptance… just like what jeannie said too. :-)
and oh yes– I have to figure things out out loud sometimes– I do it here and with my girlfriends, instead of with adam. he hates is when I say, “what do you think about that?” or this or that other thing. he's a master listener and a man of few words. maybe that's why I like him? it's terribly nice after a long day of people demanding my attention to come home to mr quietly content. :-)
Catherine Otter I love what you have written too. I love that there are so many kinds ofpeople and so many ways to communicate. I'll take any of the loving kindness forms.
I think that changing the world is a problem. I see it this way because I believe that if we imagine 'THE world' without any Human presence… we can easily 'see' that 'THE world' is a 'paradise'. Can you 'see' it ? So if we cannot accurately identify the 'problem'… which is 'OUR world', or the world that we fabricate out of half-truths or downright mis-information and more… how can we ever truly fix the actual 'problem' ?
'THE world' is fine. It's 'OUR world' that requires a serious upgrade. I believe that our Culturally Conditioned Matrix of Flawed Beliefs are what keep us from Truth, and that Truth is all that's real… and all that's real is true. Truth and reality are synonymous. And furthermore, TRUTH is the same for everybody. That's what makes it true. So what is True ? Finding the answers to this question is the hope of the world, as our finding agreement about what is True will unify us all.
As far as relationships go… we all suffer from the baggage of cultural conditioning, as regards assumptions about, and unspoken deeply rooted expectations of, others. If we can get past these 'traps' we can focus on simply 'Being Love' and 'Being Loving'… which is a pretty good way to go. Unfortunately, so many relationships are built out of lies of convenience, lies of omission, and more. Lies are a real big problem… but they're so all encompassing, in 'OUR world', that we don't even 'see' them. We're just enveloped by them. (For more: see < http://www.1-oneness.com/CCMFB.html >)
Gandhi's famous expression: “Be the change you wish to see within the world” is well intentioned but misleading and inaccurate. It's 'Be the change you wish to see in OUR world' that is the message.
” I cannot apply my dispatcher lessons to all life” - Are you sure? I mean, looking at it another way, even though you have less information than people at the scene, you have a different task to accomplish, and they're in the same situation with their own task. Even though they have more information it isn't complete information either and they have to make their own best judgment calls. And if I needed help I'd want them to be feeling judgmental - and generous in their assessment. The same as I would want you to be. In pretty much every situation we have less than full information, don't we? I think your rule as it applies to sending help does work perfectly in all situations: use the information you can put together to take the most helpful, generous action to the best of your understanding. That's a very good rule for everything I can think of!
Also the other part of the rule - “Be in doubt less often” - I think that applies too, but I think it's a form of shorthand, a catchy little phrase to remember. When you say you wouldn't want people to stop questioning their assumptions, I'm thinking that isn't what it means in your job, either, exactly, is it? Questioning assumptions is part of making a good assessment, but questioning whether to make the most generously helpful choice wastes time and compromises the best possible outcome. Again, that seems like a good life rule to me. I like those rules.
So a big part of my job is evaluating patients,evaluate pain,ecg`s,lab results,tons of info.
Sort of a mix of experience and instinct. The other night urgence sante brought a man in.He had slight chest pain at home,but other than that his ecg appeared pretty normal.
As the ambulance pulled up to e.r.he went into cardiac arrest. Normally they either code at home,in the ambulance or in here,but he coded just as they were pulling up.
The paramedic (actually ambulance techician) a youngin was freaked out,white as a ghost and we teased him after,cuz we take turns teasing each other and at times are merciless.
So we`re massaging away and the inhalation therapist is assisting with the breathing,and now it`s time for a zap with the defibrallator
Zap once,still arrythmic,zaps again and the patient actually sits up looking a little stunned and starts talking. This rarely happens,I think we were all a little impressed,that mixed with the lovely adrenaline made for the weirdest night.I appreciate the fact that the people I work with don`t take themselves to seriously,and when I`m too seriuos they come and get me and tease me mercilessly.I like that no matter how much judging goes on,I never become immune to it ,or else maybe it would be me with chest pains.or needing my stomach pumped,or gone.
Oh yeah my point,I don`t judge,instead,I call it evaluating ;-) Sometimes it`s a useful tool,other times it`s a hinderence, setting myself up for the eventual fall,yet falls can be good sometimes a cosmic shake up,of the most interesting kind.Oh yeah maybe we take ourselves too seriuosly,and a good laugh to shake off the shit is a nice idea,especially when we walk the walk a little to seriously
yes– lightening up after evaluating is usually a good idea. :-)
I love this discussion from all angles.
which brings me back to the beginning– I really like those people that don't talk much philosophy, but always make you laugh or smile. the ones that just ARE light, seemingly effortlessly. I have a friend who is like that and she's an architect and some of the old dowdy crabby architect men treat her badly sometimes– as if just because she's not always SERIOUS she's somehow less of an architect– but they may someday see just how brilliant she is– people love whimsical designs too. that girl is so lovely and so sweet and smart and giving that it just makes me GRRRR when those old crabby men, without really thinkinng about it, try to dampen her spirit or bring her down to their level. I had to give her a pep talk about trusting her own inner lightness and innate talent instead of trying to fit into their broken and sad model of the world. She's resilliant - they won't break her. :-)
The world needs more whimsical, smart, lovely, sweet, giving architects - and lawyers and doctors candlestick makers…
Love love this post and commet string. I gotta read more and think - but it's a zillion o'clock and I gotta go to work in a bit. Hope to get back here in a day or two. You gais rock!
Dawn, you are a talker (and a great one!). I think your talking is your action, your walk. And it is enough too. Your talk has inspired me into many actions. It has moved Adam into a more expansive place it has done a thousand deeds. Sometimes I think I do too much of the walking and not completing it with the talking part. There is team Dawn/Farland like the other night. You are incredible.
This whole thread was such a treat… and to think that some might say it's “mere talk”! To my mind this practice is so, so important, and to me it is a practice, like meditation. It's the practice of connecting wtih others. We can connect physically, of course, through tangible actions and bodies and the biological gestures and efforts of care, but the actions of our tongues and fingertips in creating meaning with others, and weaving new worlds and futures together, is important, too. Conversation, to me, is like an endless game, and it's important to keep these games in play.
Si? :)
I'm typing back now with a big, big smile. It's my first day back home after going to visit Jordan at Wilderness Therapy.
Today I did more walking, literally. I woke up, meditated for an hour, (with a break in the middle to write down all the things that were floating in my head about what I needed to do today– it helps just let it go if I write it down.) Then I did a bit of yoga for 15 minutes and showered and dressed. Then I did a one card Tarot game– “where is my inner map taking me?” and thoroughly enjoyed the answer. Then grabbed the dogs and went for a run/walk– 11 times around the pond was my intention. Each time around I turned around and went the other way– to keep balanced– ;-) After seven times around it got colder and greyer and started to snow– I thought, 7 is good for our first day of this new game and my right knee is giving me some feedback and we'll probably get cold if we stay out and I have so much STUFF to do. But I kept going after all. I changed the way I was setting my right foot down for each step and the feeback from my knee eased up. I walked some laps and jogged other laps. I realized that I haven't spent much time in my little micro community of the trailer park. Some guys were working on a car and I passed them 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 times before they finished and left. They didn't speak much english I think, but we smiled and laughed at my round and round the pond silliness. I think we started to be a part of our community more deeply.
I had an idea– that just like “the family that plays together stays together” the community that plays together is more vibrant and stable. I also realized (again for the millionth time) that I love, love, love being out of doors and I had a big smile on my face and for awhile the sun was bright and the snow was still falling and I realized that I had earlier assumed that it was just going to keep getting colder since it had started snowing– but it didn't– my assumption was just silliness– I mean the most obvious thing in the world is that one cannot really predict the weather, at least not in colorado, not really accurately. Those guys with all the satellites and computer models and gadgets and years of training only get it right about, ? percent of the time. Anyway– I realized how much I love being outside and in my little community and I thought that this summer I would offer a free yoga class once a week by the pond for anyone who wants to join and maybe we could have a little get together afterward. It could be a really nice way to get to know more of my neighbors and also teach yoga and also be outside and get out of my little box.
I got the idea from Yoga Girl - SF
When I first saw her website and videos I thought how cool that was, but I couldn't immediately see how I might be able to apply that to living here in Colorado. Today I realized that I live in the perfect neighborhood for it– so many of the people who live in my neighborhood would not even think of going into one of our many upscale yoga studios in the valley, but I bet they might come outside and join us for some stretching and a picnic in the park afterward. I know for sure the little kids who ride the bikes and wagons around the neighborhood will come try it out with me. And all of us bending around and turning upside down and laughing right out there next to the pond will get some curiousity happening at the very least. YAY! and I might even get brave enough to use some of my very limited spanish and I might learn even some more spanish.
I'm really excited about this idea now. Someone ask me about it in June when the weather is inviting enough to get this ball rolling. Farland– Maybe I'll bring one of those sitting balls out there too and some juggling balls and the giant bubble makers. and maybe Jordan and Adam will come out with me and help me with the picnic part, even if they don't want to do the yoga part. maybe Jordan can help me make a flyer about it to put up by the mailboxes.
Si, Siona. ;-) This conversation has been a MAGICAL game for me. I love it!!
Jeannie – “use the information you can put together to take the most helpful, generous action to the best of your understanding” you are right again!! thank you for helping me sort out those “out loud” jumble of thoughts.
Farland– you warmed my heart, today, yesterday, the day before, the day before that… etc. Thank you for being my friend and a lovely teammate. Let's work on that water idea when you come back.
BB– let's walk the walk lightly, gigglyly. ;-)
Sun1 – I'm glad we're all in OUR world. that's lovely. I've been letting that idea of our vs the sink in more and more and more. and I like it more and more and more. ;-)
Thanks you all for helping me practice and play the game of conversation here. I really, reallly enjoy it. :-)