I can go to bed and get some rest so that I will be more pleasant to be around at work at the 911 center tomorrow and also so my eyes will be well rested and ready to look at a computer again. 

and I can share this link.  it's a few things that have made me happy this month.  it's also partly an explanation of why I haven't been online here for the past few days ---  so many activities, so little time. 

yesterday was the best, best -- I rode my bike to work.  I left home at 4:30 am to get to work by 6:30 am.  I saw deer (baby ones too) and robins and the sunrise and I got plenty of exercise.

I saw my friend Kiley and her dog Tuk Tuk at lunchtime.  :-)

and then Sarah called and she wanted to hike up Buttermilk ski area after work to celebrate her birthday.  and Adam agreed to go along too and he met me at the bottom with our dogs and they got to go too.  and he brought my camera for me too, so I was able to document the glory of a springtime hike.  check the link above. 

I really have to get to bed now. 

a wander through the west, with heart and eyes wide open (thank you for the phrase tara), visiting off the grid homes, new and ancient and in between.  these are photos from Sunday and Monday.  more to follow with meditations on the nature of sustainable living and details too!  Tuesday - ancient cliff dwellings at Mesa Verde.  Wednesday and Thursday (today) Earthships (www.earthship.net) near Taos, New Mexico.  if you haven't seen it yet, check out the film Garbage Warrior!  We watched it last night on a television and dvd player powered by energy collected early in the day on the solar panels in this very off the grid, self sustaining building, designed and built by the films protagonists.  good stuff. 

What parts of yourself do you try most to ignore?

You know that mean voice?  The super hyper vigilant self critic?  She's fairly butch and bossy and even gets mean and critical with other people.  I've found it doesn't reallly work to deny her or reject her or ignore her.  I have to listen extra carefully, as one might do with a particularly demanding child, to see what is under that meanness.  What I find in myself is that she's usually afraid of something.  She's trying to protect me from something, maybe even from some other part of myself, maybe the lazy, hedonistic part of me.  

When I try to deny or reject or ignore the lazy, hedonistic part of me (she thinks she's pretty entertaining, pretty hip) she also gets more insistent.  I have to listen carefully to her as well, to see what she's afraid of.  Sometimes she tries to convince me that hard work isn't fun, but when I show her how satisfying it can be, with a kindhearted volce, she's usually willing to go along.  I just promise her a bath or a glass of wine or some blogging time or dancing time after the hard work is done. 

Those are the two that I try not to acknowledge or I try to be bigger than most often, but when I don't give them a little attention, they get bigger and louder until I have to listen.  That mean one, when she gets to run the show though, when I let her boss the rest of me around, I end up getting judgemental and demanding of other people too then.  Like, if I have to do all this hard work and live up to my own impossible demands, then I expect everyone else to do so too.  It's only fair, right?  So I have to listen to see what my self critic has to say to me, to see what wisdom she has to share, but not let her run the whole show. 

And if I let the lazy one run the show for too long -- OOF!  no, that doesn't work.  I can end up on a see-saw between overachieving followed by underachieving followed by even more unrealistic expectations of myself.  It's best to find balance. 

Somewhere in the mix is a gentle old eccentric aunt type and when I let her be the program director for my life, I'm pretty happy.  I just ask her to attend to some fantastic painting or something when the smoking hot, red stilletto heels girl wants to come out and play.  She understands too, she's been there at some point in her life. 

I do have a sulky girl.  A pouty girl.  (those two come out to greet my husband now and then and pretty much no one else -- seems like they can be an effective means to an end--- oh is that the cunning me rearing her ugly head?)  A helpless girl.  A dictator.  Even an amazingly organized, super brilliant, neuroscientist, designer resides inside of me.  She speaks 47 languages effortlessly.  She's a yogini, a magician (not a magician's assistant), an inventor, a dancer, a singer, a race car driver.  There's a budding gardener.  A musician.  There's a hairdresser (she's oh so woefully neglected, poor girl).  There's someone highly disciplined.  Someone wild.  Those two really like one another very much.  ;-)

The thing is, every one of them needs her place in the sun, even if it's only me asking, now why is that part of me coming out to play?) and they are all dependent on one another.  As are we all, always.  :-)


Here's some more of what the photographer me saw in the past couple of days. (working backward from this evening)

seriously -- more alternative dwelling tour coming right up.  really.  :-)

My filing system is one big treasure hunt whenever I want to find something. 

I put things in "safe" places all the time.  Passport, birth certificates, social security cards, immunization records -- you'd think these things would logically all be in the same place, right?  but on diffferent days and different years and different moods I have different logic about where to put things.  and sometimes I feel the need to start all over again with a fresh, new system.  ha! 

lately I've hidden some credit cards from myself, I didn't want to cut them up, in case of an emergency.  right.  but I'm a really good treasure hunter too -- tenacious.  so hiding things from myself is not a particularly good strategy, at least in the credit card department.  I know my driver's license is in the house somewhere or maybe it's in my locker at work - I know it's not lost for real-- I just don't know where it is right this minute. 

often I put bits of stuff in books and put the books back on the bookshelf.  there's logic in it usually, my kind of roundabout logic, the thing stashed in the book might be a photo of a place that reminds me of a person who told me something like something that the book talks about, or something like that.  it's really fun to find those things many years later.  I think it's a sort of time travel.  sending me back to a place/time/smell/feeling, taking me out of my current for a moment.  I was going to type minute instead of moment, but moment seems timeless to me and minute seems quantifiable, but those times when I find things stashed years ago in books or drawers are not quantifiable. 

as far as qualities go.  I just don't know what I've hidden from myself.  but if I need it, I'm a really good treasure hunter.  i'll find it sooner or later.  

I wonder where my best good housekeeping skills have gone?  I haven't used them since april fool's day.   they must be around here somewhere.  maybe I'll look for them tomorrow. 


(side note-- I ordered a new computer today.  I feel guilty for being SO excited about it.  a whole new filing system for music and photos and words and it has something on it called time machine - so intriguing.  it's brand new and just waiting to become a place to stash all my treasure.  weeeeehee.  I have to clean the house on my next days off so I don't have to feel guilty for playing with the new machine when it arrives sometime next week.   eeeeek.  I'm so excited.) 

My WISH is to be "without rushing" for the entire week, no matter what life tosses at me.  My WISH is to be open to any gift that I am offered, even if it initially looks like adversity.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
restart

I want to use the word intention instead of wish in the two above sentences. 

I have the intention to be without rushing for the entire week, no matter what life tosses at me.  My intention is to be open to any gift that I am offered, even if it initially looks like adversity. 

I wish my house was already clean and the 2nd bedroom and bathroom were already ready for a roommate, but if that was the case, I would be denied the possible gifts that I might find if I do those things now with the intention of enjoying them and learning something.  I would be denied the opportunity to love every moment of this life experience. 

I went a little off the rails yesterday (overwhelmed by the state of the world and feeling helpless to help) after watching this....


and this...


and this....


followed by this....

The Story of Stuff (the link will take you to the video - just press play when you get there.)

and then, if you still want something more, here's what started me on the journey to all those videos.  it's a talk by Helena Norberg-Hodge on the Economics of Happiness, Helena wrote the book, Ancient Futures: Lessons from Ladakh.  This talk is uplifting as well as disturbing.  Her voice is incredibly soothing and powerful at once.  Her presence is authoritative and knowlegable.  When you click on the below link, just press the play button, I first thought it wasn't working, but it was, it just takes about 60 seconds before someone starts talking.  and I had to turn the volume up, it's a quiet recording.  I found it worth listening for the entire 60 minutes.   here's the link to the recording : http://diydharma.org/economics-happiness-helena-norberg-hodge

So what I WISH for the following week and the days and weeks and years and months after, is for we humans to reach the tipping point of awareness and action that is necessary for us to go from that linear line that Annie Leonard is talking about in the Story of Stuff to the localized, sustainable, loving, interconnected world that Helena Norberg-Hodge is talking about and showing us, that existed in Ladakh and that we can create all around the world in our own communities. 

My intention is to live each moment of my life with mindfullness and lovingkindness, to take each action with interconnectedness in mind.  I would like to find a way to live in this modern, western world while keeping my own actions, large and small, in line with the values of Ladakh.  I'm making a list of things to do, and some may take years to accomplish and some I can do today, this week, but my intention is to align all of my actions with my values. 

And what do I value?  I value the breathtaking beauty and wildness of this glorious planet.  I value love and kindness and health and wholeness.  I value joy, art, breath, stillness and motion.  I value the sharing of knowledge, learning and teaching, simultaneously.  I value life.  I value creativity, resourcefulness, authentic human interactions.  I value interconnectedness and diversity. 

I wish for clean, fresh air, water & soil for each and every person on the planet.  I wish for abundant, joyful life for all. I wish for that deep contentendness and self-love that Helena says the Ladakhi's had before we arrived to modernize them. I wish that deep peace and joy for all of us.  and I INTEND to use my life bringing us closer to that wonder.

I heard a yogi say that to be a yogi is to bestow blessings and the way that a yogi works is to start with oneself and work outward in larger and larger circles, bestowing blessings and I intend to deeply contemplate what a blessing is.  and I like how Helena says that we don't need to get out in the streets and demonstrate, but that we need to share the books, the videos, the knowledge, the discussions and she shares what she has learned with anyone who will listen.  And the Dalai Llama seems to have a similar strategy. 

So-- I'm keeping a log of every single thing that I buy and every single thing that I consume --food and beverages.  I WISH that I could grow and make all those things myself, but I INTEND to make choices that are as local and as sustainable as possible, including growing some of my own food, supporting local farms and dairies.

I WISH to know how to make clothes, grow food, build houses that make sense (earthships!!), draw, sing, make music, love, live calmly and contentedly, share what I have to share and love.  I intend to go toward the things that deeply delight me, that make me feel whole. 

I haven't had any coffee or wine or beer and not much chocolate in almost a week.  I intend to stay away from coffee and alcohol for the rest of the summer, until at least after a 100 mile bicycle ride that I intend to do this fall.  I intend to learn to take a bike apart and put it back together this summer.  I intend to learn to build a bicycle and I intend to get around by bicycle as often as possible.  It's a joyful method of transportation to me. 

I intend to read this book, cover to cover....
When Technology Fails  and to learn things. 

and this book...
Seed to Seed

and this book....
The Self-Sufficient LIfe and How to Live It

I like wishes, wishing on a star makes me smile and feel wistful and young, and I love how intentions and action can make wishes come true. 

Where did you go? When? What did you do? What was the best part?


oh!!  I'm so close to being able to answer this, but it's past 11 pm and my computer is way too slow processing all those photos and oh how I wanted to be able to post this answer before sleep tonight and work tomorrow, but alas, it is not to be.  must sleep.  I'll try again tomorrow.  here's a teaser. 

somewhere between here and there
somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow
between a now and a now

I belong in green
and blue
and red
even purple, yellow, black, white, grey

I belong in day
and night
and dawn
and dusk

I belong to me
and to him
and to her
to them as well

I belong in words
and silence
and storms
and calm

I belong in music
I belong in art
writing and reflection

I belong in the library
where it's quiet
I belong in the 911 center
where it's often barely controlled chaos

I belong in the mountains
and in the desert
I belong on the beach
next to the ocean

I belong to the north
to the cold and dark winters
to the bright and light summers

I belong in the yoga room
stretching my body
I belong in the classroom
stretching my mind

I belong in the kitchen
or in the garden
or on a bicycle
in the rain

I belong.

I want to be

long


~belong ~dcd ~052909


I've been playing with these photos



which I took in a park, near a river, in the sunshine and shadow, where it was quiet, during my lunch break from working in the place with all the computers and phones and radios and noise.  I felt I belonged equally in each place. 

The photo at the top of this post I just took, moments ago while sitting in front of my computer where these photos were large on the screen. 

oh.  & I just, this minute, decided to teach myself to make a silly movie and upload it to youtube.  so that was fun. 

Today I'm staying close to home.  But I just made this video about going somewhere, with photos that I took on May 3rd.  The fist day of a road trip to see friends and ancient dwellings and all sorts of alternative dwellings (off the grid).  I'm hoping to make some more videos of the rest of the days soon.  I'm learning new software. 


You can see it full screen if you click here.  though, I'm not sure how good it'll look full screen.  I'm learning.  :-)

Credits to Farland and Adam for being in a movie.  I wonder if they'll still remember us little people when they're famous.  haha.  ;-)

Well -- I think I like flickr slideshows better, you can see the photos better.  so here's the flickr slideshow of that.